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My personal fantasy as President continues. I would introduce legislation that would turn America right side up again. All farm subsidies would be directed at family farms, not corporate farms. The subsidies would only be for catastrophic crop failure caused by anything except negligence. Banks would be instructed to loan farmers money at prioritzed rates that are NOT available to anyone else. My government will NOT pay farmers not to idle fields. Farmers would be encouraged to rotate land use. The surpluses that would result would be put on the world market at reduced prices for the world’s government to obtain to feed their people. Why would they have to pay anything, you ask? Simple: we now give our surplus food to some nations who turn around and sell it themselves instead of feeding their people, so why don’t we make the profit instead of some despot who won’t feed his/her people anyway. Not fair, you say? These “needy countries” can always find the money to buy weapons, so maybe if they had to spend it on food instead, there wouldn’t be so many ego wars?

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The tax code would also be revised to stop “corporate welfare” and tax business on net profits. No more gimmicks or subsidies. You wouldn’t like the penalties that my administration would impose for cheating. Trade policies would be simple: “do unto us as you would like us to do unto you”! Screw us, and you can go sell somewhere else! Foreign policy? My Secretary of State, John “Tell it like it is” Bolton would carry a message to all those people who seem to think America has lost its strength and will. The message? ” Don’t Tread on Us”! Mr. Bolton would have explicit instructions that we do not dance with anyone who wants to lead, or who steps on our toes! For instance, to China: please keep North Korea, your stepchild, under control, or it will become the world’s largest parking lot between you and South Korea. Those little goose-stepping midgets (at least what would be left of them) would be given brooms and told to keep the place clean if they want to eat.

Iran, if they refused to listen to Mr. Bolten’s gentle persuasion about no nukes, would become the world’s biggest litter box. (America hates being lied to and played for a fool.) No more aid for any of the Middle Eastern countries that refuse to acknowledge Israel’s right to exist. Mr. Bolton would make it perfectly clear to all that if you screw with Israel, it will be the last time. No more aid to the Palestinians until the boys put their rockets away for good. Trust me people, our missles are meaner than yours. Mr. Bolton will tighten our alliances with those who are loyal to us. The United States will no longer play the world’s cop, but we will not allow encroachment on our national security interests either.

I would probably make Art Laffer my Treasury Secretary because he knows real mathematics, not the kind they teach you in Washington D.C.. Commerce Secretary: Donald Trump, the man who knows how to make money and cut great deals. Defense Secretary: David Petraeus (because how do you know what weapons systems you need if you have never been in battle?) All of my judicial appointments will be proven constitutionalists, or they won’t be nominated.

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The views expressed in this opinion article are solely those of their author and are not necessarily either shared or endorsed by

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