Welcome to my fantasy Presidential campaign. To start off with, I will not make any campaign promises that I cannot keep; therefore, I’m not going to make any! I am going to do my best to accomplish the following, provided Congress will work with me. I am going to change our immigration policy so that anyone who wishes to become an American citizen may do so, and the process will be guaranteed to take no longer than 5 yrs. total! The following requirements are needed in order to receive citizenship papers:
#1. All persons seeking citizenship MUST learn to read and comprehend ENGLISH.
#2. Seekers of citizenship must have a skill useful to the United States. Temporary work visas will be issued to the working immigrant through their prospective employer!
#3. All immigrants working on temporary visas MUST pay all taxes just like every other citizen. If the seeker becomes unemployed within that period of 5 yrs., they will have 60 days to secure other employment or be sent back to their country of origin. Welfare benefits will NOT be paid to any non-citizens! Employers will be required to provide medical benefits to their workers for which the federal government will give them a tax credit (upon proof of said coverage) to equal not less than 75% OF THE MEDICAL PREMIUM. ANY immigrants caught gaming the system wil be deported, and in the case of employers, fined HEAVILY or suspended from doing business for 5 yrs.
#4 Any non-citizen immigrant wishing to serve in the United States military and is accepted for a period of not less than four years in any branch, including the Coast Guard, will be given permanent citizenship for themselves and their immediate family. The seeker, if they wish to bring other family members here, must prove to the immigration authorities that their income will be able to sustain not only themselves but those they wish to have considered for citizenship.
#5 No immigrant within their 5-yr. waiting period will be allowed to vote in ANY election until they receive their citizenship papers.
#6 Any immigrant who commits a felony or high misdemeanor, or is found to be engaged in any activity that is illegal or a security risk to the United States, will be tried, imprisoned and then deported.
At the end of the first five years, I will have incorporated into my immigration bill a requirement that English is the OFFICIAL language of the United States. No more “press one for English, press two for Spanish, press three for Swahili”, or whatever. All official government documents, be they local, state, or federal, will be in English! Geez, think of all the savings on paper! My plan for paying for all this is simple. We dismantle the Departments of Education (and reassign the employees to the new ICE Department and let the states determine what their educational needs and budgets are), Energy (as it seems this department is being used by the environmentalists to screw America out of her energy independence), HUD ( what the hell do they do anymore anyway?), and Transportation (doesn’t Commerce regulate the same things as this department? Let the states keep the gas taxes paid in their own state and assume responsibility for the portion of the federal highways within their own borders. Got potholes or need road repairs? Just amble on over to your state capital and pin your state reps’ ears back or put them out of a job.)
The EPA needs to go and allow the states to assume the responsibilty for their own clean water and air. Citizens won’t have far to go to find the people who are making their asthma worse. No EPA agent will come out to your property and declare a good chunk of it “wetlands” because your neighbor’s Great Dane came over and piddled on your grass. No more chasing “climate change, or global warming” because the earth has been going through these cycles ever since God turned on the lights. If these so called “scientific experts” are just now figuring that out, maybe they need a new hobby?
The American tax code needs to be reformed so that ANY citizen can go down to the neartest OfficeMax and pay $69.99 for a program to have their federal, state, and local taxes done in one short afternoon.The IRS will have to abide by the same laws that all other law enforcement agencies have to abide by, or we can retrain these people as school yard monitors. The Department of Homeland Security needs to disappear back under the rock that it first appeared from. ( Don’t we have even para-military government agency types running around?) The FBI gets all the domestic intelligence stuff, along with a few other “we can’t talk about” agencies, while the CIA and a few other “we can’t talk about” agencies get to be the primary foreign intelligence services. At least until I can figure out how to consolidate this spy vs spy complexity. Think of the money we could save on spy gadgets to buy the really good ones in quantity?! We need to disolve the National Labor Relations Board because unions already have enough representation in the workplace. Now those people would make great hall monitors in our high schools, and we might even be able to let the school police officers go back to their real jobs!
The Department of Health and Human Services would be disbanded, and the money and personnel would be sent to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, It seems that the CDC has repair problems and could use the money, plus they apparently need more personnel to keep track of some of our most needed drugs. We can’t afford to let even one American die because they couldn’t get the drugs they need; besides, why let a lot of good bureaucrats go to waste? I would also introduce legislation written in plain ENGLISH that says NO taxpayer money will ever be used in any way, shape, or form to pay for abortion. My thinking is that if there are so many people who believe passionately in abortion, then let then set up a foundation to pay for the abortions of those who really can’t afford them (or pay for contraception to PREVENT unwanted pregnancies.) What a novel idea. The Hollywood types like to support liberal causes, so I’m sure they’d be willing to donate a chunk of change, right? Sure, or have a Hollywood, New York, Chicago, Beantown bake sale to raise money. It’s for a really good cause to the PROGRESSIVES; besides, everyone knows how generous the PROGRESSIVES are for their causes, right?
One last thing: the rest of my “platform” will be spelled out in my next column…til then, adieu!
Photo credit: terrellaftermath
Please share this post with your friends and comment below. If you haven't already, take a moment to sign up for our free newsletter above and friend us on Twitter and Facebook to get real time updates.